A heart that bleeds

She sat beside me tears streaming down her cheeks as she told me her story. The theme of our therapy weekend was on forgiveness and the Lord was obviously working in the girls hearts. I have worked in many homes and have heard so many horror stories of children's pasts but never before was I able to see such raw pain. Children in the homes don't often talk about their pasts and when they do there is often a diconnect as if they are telling a story, not something that actually happened to them. But this weekend I was slapped in the face with the reality of the pain these children have faced. I found tears flowing down my cheeks as one girl sobbed to be aching so badly for the love of her mother who severely abused her. I am tired, I am tired of it all. My heart aches for these children, what did they do to deserve such pain? Why were my little babies abandon like trash? Why do the faces of my princesses hold scares that are constant reminders of the horrendous abuse? How could the innocence of these small precious children be stolen? Oh if I could scoop them into my arms so that they could never again experience one more ounce of pain! My eyes have seen too much in my 26 years of life and my heart bleeds. Every day my heart bleeds more and the only thing I know how to do is fight, I must fight for these beautiful children. I cannot live in this world full of so much pain unless I am giving my every breath to make a difference. Lord take me to the darkest places, rip my heart into pieces, do whatever you want if it means you will use me to show your love.

You're love in me

They call it my "child magnet", my sisters always laugh when I take my nephews to the park and before I know it I have a swarm of little children at my side, children I have never met in my life. I don't quite understand what it is because often times it isn't me initiating it at all I'll be just doing my thing and without realizing I look and there's another one latching themselves on. I was thinking about this recently and wondering what it was, there isn't anything really about me outwardly that is special I find myself quite plain and average. I was thinking about this one day when I realized it is not me, in and of myself I have nothing special, but it is Christ in me. My life prayer was brought to mind, a beautiful prayer by John Henry Newman... "Dear Jesus, help me to spread Your fragrance everywhere I go. Flood my soul with Your spirit and life. Penetrate and possess my whole being so utterly, That my life may only be a radiance of Yours. Shine through me, and be so in me That every soul I come in contact with May feel Your presence in my soul. Let them look up and see no longer me, but only Jesus! Stay with me and then I shall begin to shine as You shine, So to shine as to be a light to others; The light, O Jesus will be all from You; none of it will be mine; It will be you, shining on others through me. Let me thus praise You the way You love best, by shining on those around me. Let me preach You without preaching, not by words but by my example, By the catching force of the sympathetic influence of what I do, The evident fullness of the love my heart bears to You. Amen." I started to think, maybe, just maybe God was answering this prayer of mine, that he was allowing me to be His hands and feet. I continually pray that God will fill me so greatly that I would soon disappear and people would no longer see me but only His love radiating forth. As I thought about this I thought about the purpose of my time here in Guatemala, to be trained to help children find healing. I realized that no program, or activities will do the healing but Jesus Christ will be the healer. So in all of this I realize that my greatest aspiration and focus must be to love God more and be filled with Him so that I may be an instrument in His hand to bring healing to the hurting.

Little scattered gifts

Before leaving for Guatemala, Alejandra, the girl I disciple bought me a beautiful journal and in it there is a spot for each day where you are to write the highlight of your day. I love this because it forces me to stop and think about the good things that happened that day. Being the introvert that I am, it has finally gotten to me that I have not been alone in months. I crave for alone time in order to refresh and be able to return to people with renewed love and patience. I know that without that time alone I become extremely overwhelmed and irritable and that is exactly how I have felt the past couple of days. I find myself easily scolding the children or just shutting down as a swarm of toddlers follow me around saying, "Samantha, Samantha, Samantha" until I respond. It would be quite easy for me to reflect on the day and see all the spots of failure, the moments where a child wanted to be scooped up into my arms but instead I told them to go play. Could I have lovingly instructed Mercedes how to change a baby diaper instead of telling her to go down stairs when she stuck her hand in the poop? I fail often, but I am not perfect and I will always mess up in some way or another but it is so good for me to allow the disappointments of the day to slip away and focus on the special moments, the God given gifts sprinkled throughout the day. Moments like walking down the lush green airstrip surrounded by gorgeous mountains, a walking stick in one hand and a baby strapped across me and a herd of children ahead as we made our way to the tienda (store) to buy snacks. Or listening as a room full of children and guests laughed as Deborah and I planned a special mystery meal for them. God is always lavishing these beautiful gifts on us but we are so often caught up in the little annoyances that we fail to recognize them, so I want to begin again today to count my gifts. 1. Coffee in the morning. 2. Being greeted with big smiles and "good morning Samantha" from all of the children. 3. Isaac constantly coming up to me out of nowhere and asking if he may kiss me. 4. Baby Yeni. 5. Going on "adventures" with the children. 6. Sitting at the poolside as babies splashed nice cool water on my feet. 7. Walking to the tienda with the kiddos. 8. Sitting on a big rock overlooking the beautiful property as I had my time with the Lord. 9. Making a special mystery meal with my cousin. 10. Long talks with my cousin each day. 11. A very encouraging conversation with Emma, another of the volunteers. 12. A nice chat before bed with Jeamy, one of the teen girls. 13. Yeni sleeping throughout the night. 14. Finding anti-ich cream in my bathroom in the middle of the night when I woke up so incredibly itchy (I counted 35 bites on one part of one foot!!) 15. Having a little bit of time today to slip away from the chaos and breathe.

Manos de Compasion

As I sit on my bed posting this blog, my cousin Alicia, who I share a room with, lays on her bed with her friend, a girl from the Zimmerman house watching a movie. Downstairs my cousin Deborah is cuddled up on the couch with her husband and a slew of the older children who are also watching a movie while they eat fresh baked cookies that Deborah and one of the little girls made. The little ones are fast asleep in their beds. It's been a busy day of meal preparations, school work, grocery shopping, and laundry. It feels just like a normal family, but rather than having 2 or 3 children they have 27.

I have been in many children's homes in my life but this is by far my favorite. I love the way Dave and Debs have chosen to run their home, they don't want an institution, they want a family and so that is how the children see this place, its their home, their family. I love as little voices chime, "mommy!?" and when Dave arrived home after a long trip to the city the little kids squeeled "Papi's home!!"

These children have endured horrible pasts of abuse, abandonment, rape, neglect; one was even thrown into a fire. The scares on their bodies and faces tell of the pain of their pasts but the smile on their faces reveal the hope within. I am so incredibly blessed to be able to be here and see the amazing things God is doing. I absolutely love it here.