As I look at his sweet dimpled face and listen to his soft breaths, as he nuzzles in close, sleeping peacefully; I can't help but fall in love. It breaks my heart to know that at just one month old, this little guy has already had such a hard life and has a hard road ahead. He didn't do anything to deserve the hand he was dealt in life, but he was born into it.
His face lights up as I enter his classroom. He tries his best to be good and to keep up with the class but he is years behind where he should be. At second grade, he should be reading and yet he still doesn't know all of his letter sounds. He gets so overwhelmed and frustrated that he begins to hate school. The task seems too daunting and so he begins to shut down and refuses to even try. He should have been caught in kindergarten, he should have received help or not passed the first grade, but now he's forced to be passed up to third grade where he will continue to fall behind. At some point he may decide it's not even worth the fight anymore. As the school continues to push him on and he can't keep his head above the water, he may just decide to give up and drop out.
"My dad was the man of the house, he always made sure the house was clean before mom got home. He taught me to cook, he taught us to be real men and that real men never hit a woman. He taught us to be respectful but then he started going through some stuff, he was really stressed and started getting really sick. One day he started coughing up blood and had to go to the hospital. He died at the hospital. Ever since he died, our home isn't the same, mom doesn't cook, our home is falling apart. But my dad taught me to be a man and I am trying to continue living what he taught me, but (his brother) he was still young when dad died, my dad taught him to be respectful and he is, he would never hit a girl, but he's so angry." A sixteen year old boy shares with me about how his family came to the point where they are at. His 10 year old brother is doing poorly in school, keeps getting in trouble, and spends most of his free time wandering the streets with other kids his age. Mom works hard to provide for the family which leaves the kids to often fend for themselves, the older brother is very sick and can't always care for the younger brother, so much of his time, the younger brother is on his own.
He covers his face trying to hide the tears, he's embarrassed to be seen crying. "It's like I try to do right, but no matter what, people always see me one way. Sometimes I wonder, why even try?" Life has been anything but easy for this 14 year old boy. Mom has been in and out of jail throughout his life, grandma struggles with addiction, and so great grandma tries her best to raise the children. At first grade he was told he was now the man of the house, and so on his tiny shoulders he held the weight of that. He's a brilliant kid with so much potential but some days he just wants to give up. "It's like I have voices in my head, like I'm trying to do the right thing and live right, but then there's the voices of the streets telling me different things." We sit and talk about his dreams, trying to encourage him to look to those when the guys on the streets try to lure him in. They've been after him trying to convince him through money to join them, he doesn't want to put his family in harms way so he continues to resist, although his families need for money makes it very difficult. He tells me he wants to be a teacher or a coach because of two men in his school have inspired him. "They tell me they're black like me and had hard lives and they could do it, so so can I." I walk him through scenarios where I present situations to him and how he could focus on his dreams to press through. "So if school is hard and you want to give up, you can think, 'but I want to be a teacher so I need to push through.'" "So what do you say if the guys offer you $200 to join them?" I go on. "Well I could use that money to pay for school." he considers, knowing his family does not have money to put him through college. "Yea and what if you don't make it to college then? You know how the streets are." I remind him. "Yea you're right..." he looks a little defeated.
These are just a few glimpses into the lives of my boys. I get so frustrated when I see how unfair life is. There seems to be this misconception that we are all given an equal chance, but we must work hard to earn it. I remember being told by someone, "I didn't have an easy life but I had to work hard to get where I am at." Yes his concept was correct but he doesn't see all the privileges he did have. Maybe his life was hard, maybe he did have to work hard, but I promise you it was not the same as what these boys have had to go through.
Lately I have been struggling, I've been fighting with feelings of needing to be a "normal" 28 year old girl. A "normal" 28 year old goes out with her friends on the weekends, a "normal" 28 year old is married or dating someone, she has a good paying job, wears nice clothes, is up to date with what's going on, and is semi care free, spending her free time doing her many hobbies. This idea of "normal" is so far from my life. Instead I am sitting home with newborn that doesn't belong to me, caring more about his development and future, than my own social life. I spend much of my down time educating myself on how to best work with kids from hard places and dreaming up programs that could make a difference. Instead of going out on a weekend night, I have a sleepover of middle school girls who are going through stuff and just need someone to talk to. No my life is not "normal" no I do not seem cool by pretty much any standard. My life does not make sense to the majority of the world and so I get strange looks and told I need to have boundaries or more friends my own age. I get it, but when I think about my life and what I want out of it, I would rather know that I spent my life pointing people to my Savior and fighting for my kids, than a life spent trying to be someone I wasn't created to be. I've known since I gave my life to Christ as a little girl that I would never be normal and I would never fit in but I can honestly say with everything in me that I live a full life and I don't want it any other way.
