A lot of little whispers have been filling my ears,
sometimes they are hurtful words said straight to me, sometimes they are in
reference to someone anonymous and I question if they are intended for me, and
then sometimes it is the voice inside my head, these words…they are like a
punch in the gut, probably the most painful words I could hear. The words whisper, you’re doing this for
yourself, desiring something in return, pride, self-glory, a desire to say “Hey
look what I’ve done”.
I’ve sat, I’ve prayed, I’ve sobbed before God, is this
true? Is there a part of me that is
trying to make this about me? I fear it
greatly and so I fall to my face and cry out to God, ‘please examine my heart
and convict me if there is something inside me.’ I question am I doing this because I find my identity in
works? Do I have a ‘Savior complex’?
So many questions and accusations fill my heart until I
nearly make myself sick. Maybe I need to
step back, maybe I am wrong and I should no longer be here.
Then I see their smiling faces, I receive their heart felt
hugs, and my mind clears. 3 years ago
God handed me all these little children and broke my heart for them and every
step since has been due to my love for them.
I do not plan activity after activity because I want someone to notice me;
I do it because I want to be with THEM.
I want to be involved in their lives.
I want to know what is on their hearts.
I want to walk with them through life when it’s painful but also rejoice
with them in the beauty.
I’m crazy about them, I want to see them grow up, I want to
see who they become and what God has in store for them. I can’t stop talking
about them because they consume my mind! I am so blessed to get to have some of
the most incredible, beautiful, and loving children in my life.
So when it comes down to it, people will always think they
know my motives, but I know my heart.
I also know that that heart is sinful and can easily lead me astray and
so I continually turn to my Father and ask Him to search my heart.
