Light in the darkness

Am I stupid for the way I live my life? This question comes to my mind all the time as I turn to the wisdom of those I trust. Here I am this small, 110 lb white girl who has been called into some of the darkest places, places most grown men refuse to journey with me to. I don't understand Lord, why me? I couldn't defend myself and no one seems to want to defend me. I wrestle over and over with the Lord; not for fear,although sometimes I am afraid but I have come to terms that my life is not my own, but because I know the anguish I put my family through. I hate it, I hate that my mom suffers anxiety as she worries about me. I asked the Lord today to speak a Word to me to remind me that it is Him that is calling me into these places. Scattered throughout my afternoon were His whispers and then I read this post from my good friend Michelle who I help lead the children's ministry at my church with: "C.J came today. The same child who cussed me out, who stole the ipad and lied and lied, who teases and laughes and mocks others, the kid who bullied and beat up the little girl, the one who has done time in Juevenile detention...he came today with a little four year old boy with no shirt...C.J ran on in...leaving me with figuring out what to do with the little boy(too young for our program)...after giving him candy, a big bag of popcorn and letting him get his face painted, I asked around and discovered his name, Darrell, he lived in, "that crack house way back with the windows shot out" so I walked over to tell them that their baby was not at the church..what greeted me was a shack, no windowns, visible bullet holes, the pervading smell of intense poverty and hopelessness...no one cared that Darrell was wandering the streets, no one minded that his pants sagged to his ankles and that eh didn't have a shirt, oh well his aunt said shrugging her shoulders clutching her bottle of beer. Zombies live here too, my heart broke...with a renewed spirit I marched back to club! Determined to love those little monsters in Jesus name!" Suddenly I was reminded what I was made for. I wasn't created to live a safe life, I wasn't created to live in comfort;I wasn't even created to please my parents. God created me with a plan, he wired me for a purpose and that is to love, no matter where, no matter what the cost. He called me to be a light in the darkness and to be His hands and feet, to love the hurting, and tell the world of his redemption, hope to the hopeless. I don't know what His plan is for my life, I don't know if He will always keep me safe where He leads me but I will go where He leads me and love until it hurts.